i installed a ceiling fan in my room
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The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
[my funeral]
college professor(standing over my casket): I just want to remind you that attendance is a big part of your final grade.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Grey’s Anatomy is actually one of the best existential horror artworks ever made. It chronicles the 20 year desperation of a single woman – Miranda Bailey – to get her coworkers to stop ***king and killing themselves for long enough to save anyone’s life. She never wins.
If by living dangerously you mean eating stuff that upsets my tummy; then yes, I live dangerously
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.
I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
Still no power, and it looks like it’ll be off at least a few more days. So, it’s Mexican takeout by candlelight. Just like the original 12 wise men.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
Am I…am I about to fight these bagels?
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I was once a guest at a house where the owner told me that his mother died in the bed I was sleeping in and I don’t blame her because that bed was comfy.
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’m doing it doggy style today. Lying on the couch not doing a damn thing. I will bark if you knock on the door.