[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?
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I’m at the Olympics, getting drunk. It’s great fun, but the American girls here sure don’t look like they do on twitter..
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It’s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
90% of parenting is making tiny portions of snacks look big and big portions of vegetables look tiny.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Beast: This castle is your home now, so you can go anywhere you like, except the West Wing.
Me: Okay, but is that right or left?
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
[My Wedding]
Me: I do
Guests: Awww
Me: Or do I?
Guests: Ooooo
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
who wore it better?
Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…