Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes?
Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue.
Me: No wonder nobody’s ever told you…
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Lion: *eating me*
Me: *twirling hair* so, like, what are we?
[Being kidnapped]
Me: i can feel it.. Stockholm syndrome
kidnapper: its been 10 minutes
me: should we invite your brother to the wedding?
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’ll give up my thesaurus when you pry it from my frigid, frosty, frozen, cadaverous, lifeless, stiff, defunct extremities.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
I wouldn’t mind razor blades in my Halloween candy this year, they’re getting really expensive.
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
There’s no sticker warning me not to eat this box of nails so I guess I’ll just go for it.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
The best part of being incompetent to cook and feed myself is that when I travel I am positive I didn’t leave the oven on.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.