“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
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[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
Marriage is like being on a reality TV show with both spouses thinking they will be the sympathetic character the audience identifies with.
{football huddle}
hey are you guys mad at me?
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
The inside of my closet looks like a doctor prescribed me cardigans
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
I bought someone’s groceries today and it felt really good… I took a cart that looked like it had what I needed, bought it and left. Saved a lot of time grocery shopping. Amazing feeling.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
People on the Internet always trigger my restless-fists syndrome.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
“Dave’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Dave from work or Dave who misquotes Disney…?”
[from outside]
“…hakuna banana.”