Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
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[to baby crying for 45 mins]
WHY ARE YOU CRYING YOU LIVE HERE FOR FREE
Alien: We’ve returned, show us what you built with our technology
Egyptians: …
Aliens: …
Egyptians: ok don’t be mad
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
Using my new fishing technique I have taunted all the fish in the pond that if they weren’t stupid dumb cowards they would come on land and fight me. Now, we wait.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Me: *Screaming
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE?? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE BABY, YOU’RE GONNA DIIIIIEEEEEE”Teacher: “You can’t come with us on zoo field trips anymore if you keep doing this.
1st graders: *crying
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
“Bears are omnivores so if you think about it, eating porridge makes perfect sense.”
my date: *heavy sigh* “Ok. Do you have a second favorite book?”
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Poor thing almost 47 years of wtf 🤣🤣💀
When you get to Customs and they ask if you have anything to declare, “Thumb War” is not the answer they were looking for.
This “band-aid” is bugging me 🤣
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
pharaoh: over my dead body!
pyramid architect: that’s where we’ll build it, yes.
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
I’m not actively avoiding you. I don’t actively do anything.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist