I was misbehaving during family game night. So now I’m in Solitaire confinement.
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Can’t. About to go please some beans
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I see dead people.
Well technically they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes.
I love the National Park Service.
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*starts my own YouTube channel so my kids will listen to me.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
14yo: *Asks my husband something*
Husband: *Distracted, doesn’t answer*
14yo: “Hello?? Why is he leaving me on read in real life?”
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
My TC promised me he likes it rough so, of course, I bought him a plane ticket. On United.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
My husband surprised me by taking the day off. I guess today is the day he finds out we’ve actually had a cleaning company for the last 5 years.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Writing a work email:
“…I have an unexpected conflict…”My autocorrect:
“…I have an unexpected condom…”
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer