Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
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Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
where do you see yourself in five years?
BANK ROBBER: I said keep your hands up!
ME: *Exasperated sigh* The whole time?!
me: can we stop at olive garden
mom: we have family at home
Dentist: I would like the fish sandwich, please.
Server: Tartar sauce?
Dentist: *eyes narrow*
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Date: so what’s your love language?
Me: English. I wouldn’t say I love it but I knows it
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?