Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
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“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
I wonder if sometimes when a serial killer is digging a new hole in his backyard he ever runs into an old project and thinks wistfully, “oh yeah… that guy.”
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Meanwhile in Canada…
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
Music – rock band
Jehovah’s Witness – knock band
Boats – dock band
Lip synched – mock band
Athletes – jock band
Safe cracker – lock band
Puppet – sock band
Clock maker – tock band
Chicken – b’gok band
Rooster – cock band
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
So I purchased the baby oil, now, how do I get it in the baby?
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*