Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
You Might Also Like
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
[looks into a mirror]
Well. That can’t be right.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
If I was a police sketch artist I wouldn’t listen to the victim. I’d draw a majestic gay dragon then flip it over and be all, “Is this him.”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
In Hell, you enter email addresses & passwords using video game controllers for ever.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
I was 14, my dad caught me drinking. ‘Dad, that’s the first time’
‘That’s a lie, no one ever gets caught the first time.’
So I robbed a bank
Ours was an impossible friendship. You were a squirrel with no identifiable markings and I could never be sure if you were you.
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]