Picking baby names is basically just listing names until you come to a name you don’t associate with some idiot you encountered at some point in your life.
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Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
Whenever I’ve fallen out with a member of my family I get revenge by aggressively making them tea with my least favourite teaspoon.
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
[On the phone with my MIL while the kids are staying with her for several days]
MIL: So, do you think you could be an empty nester?
Me (In bed at 10:30am with a package of Oreos scrolling Twitter): Oh I don’t know, I would miss them so much
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
I say “correct me if I wrong” just to make people listen to me.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good with ‘grammars’?
Me: Very yes.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Remember being a kid and looking up to adults because you thought they were smart?
LOL
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
*walking into our new house*
ME: Whaddya say we christen our new home?
HER: *giggling* OK*later, flinging holy water*
ME: GET OUT GHOSTS
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Nose
After how many years should you clean your microwave?
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.