“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
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#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
I think I’m a genius…. I just solved a rubiks cube so fast!
It only took me 5 minutes and 25 seconds to peel off all the stickers.
If they’re right about the Mayan calendar and the world ends next week, I’m cool with that because the people whom I love know I love them.
Also, it means I don’t have to fix up this freaking house any more
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
anyway today a woman tried to throw change on the counter after exclaiming to me “i don’t know how to count.” i said “no problem” and when i reached to do it for her, all i saw was rocks. i said “oh. these are rocks.” she said “oh. wrong pocket”
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
me: canola
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*