I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
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me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
I always carry a jar gripper with me in case I’m ever stranded on a deserted island with a jar of salsa. I also always carry a jar of salsa.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
How many days should i wait before i call my senator, i don’t want to seem desperate
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Lol
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
“Before you embark on a journey of revenge, first dig two graves,”
I’m gonna need a lot more than that.
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
Had that dream again where I was the Pied Piper…but I was playing the saxophone and all the moms in the neighborhood were following me around.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
Miss Piggy’s karate skills are my favorite pork chops.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
Your name is Jeff with a G? Jeffg? Ok
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
Don’t we all get absurdly territorial when a spider spins a web in that special corner of the house where we would have built our cocoon if humans did that?
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
[breaking up yet another fight]
Me: Why do you always fight with your sisters?
6-year-old: Because I always win.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*