[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
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Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market
Realtor: ok, where is it?
Little Old Lady: um, right here
Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe
Little Old Lady: it’s my home
Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?
Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
Xylophonist Shredding It
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
[At historic site]
Guide: Questions?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
G: I meant about 19th century life.
M: Oh….Dost thou have thy password?
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
Her: [asking about movie I’m watching] Is he her husband?
Me: I’m not sure.
Her: Is that other guy her brother?
Me: Maybe?
Her: Haven’t you been watching this?
Me: Yes, but I didn’t know there would be a test.
Maybe print wouldn’t be dying if they still employed tough dirty children to yell at me to read all about it
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
Mickey wouldn’t last 2 min in a Tom & Jerry episode
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Why didn’t they just call Thanksgiving ‘The Nightmare Before Christmas’?
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered