The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
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[The Price is Right Wheel-O-Fate stops on the 🕳 symbol]
DREW: ooh that’s 8 days in the hole
CONTESTANT: what?
[hole opens in the ground]
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Therapist: Your relationships fail due to your selfishness
*I slip him a twenty*
T: They fail because you’re great & everyone else is awful
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
scotsman: are yeh thinkin what i’m thinkin?
other scotsman: jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours?
scotsman: aye, laddie, jab a few pipes in a sheep stomach and play the same note for three hours
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.