Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
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She’s a 10…but sometimes an 8 and maybe a 12 once in awhile because clothing sizes are so inconsistent.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Pro Tip: If you’re searching for Moana You Tube video clips for your kids, DO NOT forget the ‘a’ on the end.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
I’m crying im so happy for them
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
Will smith literally runs in every movie. Name one movie he didn’t run in. I’ll wait
why do only doctors get a special hammer for beating people with. I should be allowed to have one of these too
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
How can a murderer return to the scene of the crime? I don’t even go to the same McDonald’s too soon after I’ve eaten there.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
Left at a local drug store…
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
Duck typos.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Here are 5 things you should know about me:
1. I’m very secretive
[Valentine’s Day]
me: *gets divorced*
[24 hours earlier]
me: *purchasing a heart-shaped potato* she’ll love this
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real