So apparently in Las Vegas if you leave the “do not disturb” sign on your hotel door for more than 72 hours they automatically send over a police officer to make sure you’re still alive. Steve was very nice.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
The kids I babysit wanted to watch Coco but I said we couldn’t because I would cry, so then they asked to watch Moana instead and I said that movie also makes me cry and this child just looks at me and says, “I don’t think it’s a problem with the movies”.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
me: my cup runneth over…
sperm bank receptionist: please take that off the counter.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
cop: anything you say will be used against you in a court of law
me: incompetent lawyer
cop: wha-
me: tainted evidence
cop: [into walkie] c-can he do that
Petition to change the “there’s a train approaching the station, please stand away from the platform edge” announcement to “oh lawd she comin”
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?