[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
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Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
We are gathered here today because Somebody “glares at coffin ” couldn’t stay alive.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
Effort made
Ad: ‘Did you know facebook dating is totally free?’
Me: oh, I think there’s a cost.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I love traveling with my husband because it gives us an opportunity to bicker in new and exotic locations.
On the street or subway you can only imagine what that idiot is thinking. On Twitter, you get to see what that idiot is thinking.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
Tuesday
Losing weight to be attractive is weird. I see you shrunk your body slightly. Now I want you.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
For the baby who has everything
[Joining a gang]
me: so who do I stab for initiation?
members: again, this is a book club
[baby finally falls asleep]
ME: *tip toes to couch* I can finally relax
DOG: I’M GONNA BARK FOR NO REASON
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
[showing date how to eat a lobster] pull the meat from the claw. good. now get your ketchup ready
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
You’re over 40. You HAVE glasses but WHERE are they?
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.