Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
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Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
Her: Have you seen my glue gun?
Me: *Eating popcorn chicken right off a cob* No.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Every work meeting this week
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam
Bomb Squad: it’s going to explode if anyone makes any sudden movements
Officer: oh no
Hostage: oh no
Kool Aid Man: OH Y
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
ME: it’s horrible. I would wish it on my worst enemy
GUY: you mean *wouldn’t*
ME: hahahahahaha you’re sweet
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.