Free pizza at work got me like “Fine, I’ll come back on Monday”.
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Red light special: that smug look that you give the driver who was speeding and cut you off then ended up beside you at the red light.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
When people talk about enriching their lives, I assume they’ve found a way to add more cheese.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
The Sun
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
Jesus: Listen guys, why has someone written ‘nail appointment’ in my diary?
Judas: No idea, J. No idea.
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”
🐕🍷
Having to sing happy birthday to anyone over the age of 19 is assault.
Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you