YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
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Wife: you’re drunk
Me: no’m not
Wife: I’M JUST A POOR BOY NOBODY LOVES ME
Me: HE JURSTA PRO BROY FUMMA FLOOR FLAMLEE
Wife:
Me: ok lil bit
It’s called support maybe you’ve heard of I.T.
There’s that girl again. Time to impress her.
*Rolls down the window blasting a science podcast*
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
*eulogy*
Mom: [thinking] I hope he didn’t bring his banjo
Me: dad always hated my banjo
M: whew
Me:[reaches into case] but he’s gone now
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
Doctor: ok, just need a urine sample & we’re done.
Me handing him my boxers: I’m in a rush. Just wring these out.
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I bought a witch cauldron type-thingy today.
I dunno what compelled me to do it, but here I am, hovering over it with a dash of coriander.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Blonde in laundromat asks to have
a sweater cleaned.Attendant : “Come again ?”
( not hearing )Blonde: “Nope, Just mustard this time”
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.