KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
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Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
I didn’t have hamburger buns one day and instead of running out and getting some, I just used bread like my mom used to do and when I served them, she actually said “I can’t believe you’re making your kids eat hamburgers on bread slices!” and rolled her eyes at my kids!
STOP talking shit about F•R•I•E•N•D•S
Rachel is KIND
Monica is NURTURING
Joey is CONSIDERATE
Phoebe is TALENTED
Ross
Chandler is FUNNY
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.