Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
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INTERVIEWER: And you know how to operate a forklift?
ME: Yah, that’s how I eat pal
My daughter, age 6, is into playing Would You Rather and her questions are not for the faint of heart, i.e., “Would you rather have eyes, or a grandma?”
Wow… the headline was intriguing, but the payoff was beyond my wildest expectations
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I call my ex “Appendix” because he didn’t seem to have a specific purpose and removing it didn’t change a thing in my life.
nothing worse than an american ‘alcoholic’ who enters rehab because they drink in a month what a normal british person would on a two hour train journey.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.