oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
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Eating too much fruitcake is the sin of gluttony.
However, eating too much pie is okay, because the sin of pi is zero.
#FruitCakeDay #RubbishJokes #Dadjokes
DIET UPDATE: I’ve had to replace the refrigerator light bulb twice since quarantine started
Eventually there’ll be another civil war and you’ll still have to go into work.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
product manager: what color should we make the bottle
guy who invented hydrogen peroxide: the brownest brown you can imagine
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
My love language is deader than Latin
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
Her: My God…yours is huge!
Me: It’s the biggest gift card Sizzler sells, baby.
*slow wink*
Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.