Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
You Might Also Like
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
We as humans are so lazy and entitled at this point. For example, I just typed two letters of a word on my laptop and then sat there waiting for something or someone else to do the rest.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
if you ever wanna impress a girl just bring a baby on your date and then basically just outperform the baby at everything it’s really easy
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
Finally
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
I hope they boil the right one.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!