WIFE: what the hell happened here?
ME: i broke an egg
[earlier]
ME [shaking egg]: tell me what u know, u piece of shit
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My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Pretty excited about making a huge Thanksgiving feast so my daughter can eat a roll.
Cannibals don’t drink coffee.
They have a cup of Joe instead.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
(husband picking me up at the airport): what’s for dinner?
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
[my wife wants an expensive audi]
ME: instead of buying 1 car for $60k we could buy 2 cars for $30k each
HER: *rolls eyes* oh sure, then why not 3 cars for $20k each?
ME: great point, could even do 4 cars for $15k each
[an hour later]
ME: how about 60,000 cars for $1 each
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
FYI – so it IS illegal to put a skylight on the 5th floor of an 8th floor apartment building
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
8: Can we have peanut butter sandwiches?
Me: No peanut butter allowed in the house. Daddy is allergic to peanuts
8: Can we buy some after he dies?
Me: Sure
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up