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I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Forced to use Axe Shampoo & Conditioner this morning and now my hair is high fiving people and calling them Braaaah.
We’re throwing a surprise retirement party for a guy at the office and the “party” isn’t the surprise.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
The worst part about a fender bender is getting out of your car and having to meet a new person
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
Just told my driving instructor to put his seat belt ON for his safety. I’m definitely going to get the license this time.
I WON’T TELL YOU AGAIN!
~ me to my kids for the 387th time today
“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My 3yo said that if a stranger tried to get into our house through the chimney she’d turn the fireplace on so actually Santa is the one who better watch out
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
Thinking about Jeff
i told 8 it was time for bed last night and he pulled out a bag from my favorite donut shop with a donut in it that he got earlier in the day so he could bribe me into letting him stay up. it worked.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.