I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
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ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
[Interview]
CEO: Why do you think you’d be a good fit at our firm?
GUY WHOSE DESCRIPTION IS SO LONG HE DOESN’T ACTUALLY GET TO SAY ANYTHING:
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
[on the phone]
me: i let the cat out of the bag
sis: what??
me: …too early at the vet and she hid under the desk
sis: oh phew
me: then i spilled the beans
sis: what?!
me: …all over the floor at dinner
sis: omg ok
me: also i told mum you’re pregnant okiloveyoubye
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Kevins first time outside 😭 he was absolutely bewildered
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.