Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
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👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
After drinking that much, I just hope whatever I bring back home is some sort of human.
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.