My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
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I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
He is just living hist best little life 😊
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
[creation]
GOD: You guys are bees
BEE: Are we important?
GOD: Mankind would collapse without you
BEE: Can we fly?
GOD: No, it’s physically impossible cause you’re all too fat lol
BEE: …
GOD: Ok fine I’ll figure it out
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
Brain: stop eating!
Me: why
B: you’ll get fat
M: so?
B: there’s only enough vodka to catch a buzz on an empty stomach!
M: oh *stops eating*
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
There will be no screen names left for our children’s children.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Kids talking at bedtime are like the marketing emails which you’ve unsubscribed to multiple times
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
Took my fluffy little dog to the beach thinking maybe he’d frolic around in the water, play fetch, dig a hole in the sand. He ran straight for a dead seagull and rolled around on its carcass
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck