They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
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Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
Anyone got any tips on how to conduct an exorcism, but like subtly?
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
Adulting, but it’s just me reminding my kid every day which grown-up words he shouldn’t say in kindergarten
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
When you kidnap a writer.
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
vegan witches, happy halloween!
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Maybe I only need some intents and purposes.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
I wish the entire planet could come together as one and agree to refer to Kanye as Kanye Kardashian so we can bask in his shattered ego.