Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
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Just when I thought we’d avoided all controversial topics at Thanksgiving dinner my niece said Aristocats was better than The Lion King
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
10:20
10:25
10:21
10:23
10:22– Parallel parking my time machine
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial
if you were born after 2005 you are gen z
if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Breaking news:
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Relax, this is my emotional support knife.
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
[meeting GF’s mom]
Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*