[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
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Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
wife: Can we get a kids menu?
waitress *brings one*
wife
me
wife
me [already doing the maze]
wife: Can we get 2 kids menus?
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
Art by Pastelkatto
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He was allergic to bees. His shoes smelled like old bananas.
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier