Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
If HBO released all ten episodes of Game of Thrones at once, maybe I’d be able to remember the characters’ names from episode to episode.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Choose your fighter
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
[ first day in funeral home ]
me: *gently placing hand on widow’s lap* this is your husband’s it fell off
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
[girl accidentally runs me over with her car]
her: OMG IM SORRY
me, crushed under her tire: haha soooo like what are we
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”