Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
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my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Awake in the streets,
Asleep in the sheets.Did I do that right? I don’t get it.
Dentist: Mike, you really don’t need to get undressed when you get in the chair.
Me: Oh, no, it’s no problem really. I don’t mind.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
Immediately after walking into a store with your spouse, stop, block the entrance, and discuss why you both came. It’s all good. I’ll wait.
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
Used dog shears to trim my split ends. This is a beauty account now.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
The cashier just checked me out.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend