nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
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Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
Only 1490’s kids will remember this
*sails from Europe and destroys an indigenous population*
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!
Spinach: *laughs maniacally*
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
Raccoons are riding wild hogs into battle against the possums. I guarantee you the media will be completely silent about it.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz you SMELLED THIS DONUT?
*tosses donut out window*
Cop: …
Me: Aren’t you gonna go get-
Cop: Get out.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”
Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
One man. One dream. One crazy summer. Three wizards. Fourteen cobras. Ten thousand condoms. I dunno, I’m just listing things.
I love the Olympics #OpeningCeremony. It reminds me of that time I had to run to the creek when my sleeve caught on fire.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
one time i had sex while watching zootopia for the first time and she got mad because i kept looking at the movie lmaooooo… it’s a good movie smh
me after noticing a slight change in someone’s energy towards me