Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN. Ryu: HADOUKEN. Ken: HADOUKEN.
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If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
Wasps: bees, but not helping
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Anime is real
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
October is when everyone changes their handle and their avi and now I’m completely lost.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
It’s a bird. It’s a plane.
It’s a joke that went over your head.
Hotel room coffee is still better than that whole relationship with you
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Waiter: And how would you like your steak?
Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
My BFF asked me to watch her purse while she went to the bathroom.
I asked her what it was going to do.
I’m hilarious. Everyone says so.