Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
If you’ve ever wanted to take a tiny bag of poop on a tour of your neighbourhood, owning a dog might be right for you
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Moses: Yo, I think you typo’d this tablet, “Thou shall not Bill”?
God: Frig sakes.
Moses: Lol. Still want me to read it?
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
Samurai holding sword: now we fight to the death
Me nervously clicking pen on: they better be right about this
Oh, dearest paracetamol,
A mystery to me,
Why sometimes you cost £1.10,
But sometimes 20p.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
cop: I’m giving you a financial penalty for speeding
me: fine
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.