Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
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My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
looks legit
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
Why are poets thinking that they are the ones tortured and not those who read their poetry?
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
Toy Story
Toy Story 2: Toy Fast Toy Furious
Toy Story 3: Toykyo Drift
Toy Story 4: Toy Meets World
Toy Story 5: Toynado
Toy Story 6: Lotso’s Revenge
Toys 7
Toy Story 8: Toy Yoda-thon
Toy Story 9: The Fate of the Toys
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
[At bar]
Me: As a joke, I’m gonna pee my pants
Wife: Seriously? You’re a married man now
M: Right…sorry. I’m gonna pee “our” pants#BT140
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life