Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
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It’s so awkward when a bird arrives back at its nest and the worms in its mouth realise that wasn’t just a free aerial tour of the city.
Had to go out in public so I put on lipstick before I remembered that’s not a thing anymore.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
If cauliflower can become pizza, you my friend, can do anything.
Why haven’t we tried telling our kids they have to stay 6 feet away from us? Do I have to think of everything?
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
How many steps are you guys getting lately for me it’s 7
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
They said it was a black-tie affair. They should’ve specified that it was a jacket-shirt-underwear-pants-socks-shoes affair.
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
I do not envy the youth. Imagine starting college in the year 2022: you’re totally pumped, can’t wait for the best 4 years of your life, and then you find out….your roommate is really into crypto.
Adults: Why are you teenagers so depressed and angry?
Teenagers: Well you see, you’re leaving us with a completely unlivable planet, the Amazon and the whole world is on fire, the climate crisis looms over our lives, we’re overworked and–
Adults: ITS THE PHONES
“You’re not pretty enough. Now pay us $3.99 so we can tell you why.” – Magazines
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
i don’t think you all understand. if Taylor Swift didn’t have a private jet she’d be Taylor Slow
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
Me: Ah, the elusive white penny
Cashier: That’s a button
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.