My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
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Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
interviewer: any questions?
me: yes, what are your strengths?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
CUT, CUT!! [Music stops]
LOOK IT’S A WESTERN MUSICAL
[Rubs temples] YOU HAVE TO KEEP THE COWBOY HAT ON-
[Cat runs off] Meow!
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The Conjuring 3:
Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.
The kids torment them back.
They’re better at it.
The spirits flee.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
*feels painful possible cavity*
*eats chocolate to feel better*
For a few days, my 3-year-old has been giving the cats what I can only describe as performance reviews. I do not know where this is coming from.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
My childhood led me to believe that as an adult I’d have to contend with truth serum, lava, quicksand, trap doors, and secret passageways. So far it’s mostly been weight gain and existential dread.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
In an effort to keep the employees motivated and increase morale, my boss has asked me to stop talking to everyone.
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.