me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
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I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
*Makes a meal plan for the week*
*Eats sandwiches every day instead because nobody tells me what to do*
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
*wakes up*
*looks at clock*
8:00
*brushes teeth*
*looks at clock again*
8:30*gets to work*
*looks at clock*
9:00
*comes out of a 2 hour meeting*
*looks at clock again*
9:05
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Look officer, he’s missing but I don’t remember what he was wearing. I’d need a mirror to tell you what I’m wearing.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
That dress was wearable way before your “cami” intervened. India and lingerie sites. *rolls eyes*
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
The Moon: *exists*
People: It’s your fault I stole a police horse and rode it naked through the Montgomery Ward that one time