I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
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A small part of me is filled with self-loathing for how much pizza I can eat in one sitting. The rest of me is filled with pizza.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Boss: How do you do under pressure?
Me: *flashbacks to time I fainted when I ended up in the middle of a dance circle at wedding* Ok I guess
I didn’t believe in miracles until I folded the laundry this morning and all the socks had a match.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
lot of dog owners seem to think their dog has the right of way over me on the sidewalk. nice try buddy i will play chicken with your french bulldog and i will mow him down
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
Me: obviously, I have a speedometer
Cop: I know that
Me: then why did you ask?
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] I just wanted to talk
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Would definitely get your blood pumping waking up to that…😳🤣🦏🦮
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants