’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
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pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
When a fancy lady told me she was from an upscale neighborhood, I stared at her, mouth agape and said, ‘Oh shit! I’m so sorry. Are you okay?’ She didn’t like that at all.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
Am I having a stroke?
Why is this me 😫
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
*shows up to date with broken nose*
“What happened?”
Hurt myself playing football
“How?”
Threw the controller at a wall and it bounced back
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
asking santa clause for nudes
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
Everyone: Sleep when your baby sleeps.
My brain: Oh man she’s so cute. Just stare at her for two hours straight until she wakes up again.
whatcha thinkin bout
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.