My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
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I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
My 1 yr old only says the words “no,” “mine,” and “bye” and I tried it out and it turns out that’s actually all you need.
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Maybe a ninja is fighting a chameleon right in front of you.
Ever think of that??
“were u & mommy wrestling naked last night?”
haha no honey ur mom & i were just playing
*pulls wife aside* DID U TELL HER ABOUT FIGHT CLUB?
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
Me to my kids: don’t ever lie
Me serving any kind of meat: it’s chicken
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.