2020; January, February, Quarantine, December.
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When I was your age we didn’t have edible underwear, we just ate normal underwear
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Handsome Stranger: Excuse me, but you’re..
Me: Gorgeous & you’ve been mustering up the courage to speak to me?
HS: ..blocking the pickles.
Me: I would like to go to sleep now
Brain: you can’t
Me: why?
Brain: you haven’t Done Enough
Me: done enough…what?
Brain: Enough
Me: enough what??
Brain: Enough. Just Enough. You have not Done Enough
Me: I’ll do enough if you tell me enough what
Brain: You have not Done Enough
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
Wore my hair in a ponytail to Walmart
and 4 people asked me to defend them
in Drug Possession Cases.Court starts Monday.
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
(car shopping w/ teenage son)
Me: What do you think about this one?
Son: Well…I was kinda looking for leather seats.
Me: Leather seats??? You’re lucky it has seats.
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
[Scene: Cloud City. Two men fight each other with lightsabers]
Mario: You-a kill my father!
Wario: No. I am-a your father.
Mario: Mama-mia!
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Him: ok now put a worm on the hook
Me: *enjoying the boat ride with my new container of pet worms* What now?
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
I’m already scared
Life goals:
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing