The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
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When I worked at a bookstore, I learned that when an author like Dean Koontz signs his books, their resale value goes up.
I also learned that when an author like Stephen King signs Dean Koontz’s books, the price goes even higher and that Dean Koontz is not amused by this.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
“Ooh, you’ve caught the sun”
Translation: You look like you’ve been swimming in a volcano
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
Son: Sometimes I wish I was a triceratops!
Me: *imagining being crushed by a meteorite* Me too buddy
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
School be like
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
When she stops crying and gets really quiet, keep your guard up. You’re experiencing what scientists refer to as “the eye of the shitstorm.”
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?