me: *playing hopscotch* you sure you don’t want a turn?
guy: *hugging elevator wall tightly* yes
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some of you take your Halloween decorations seriously, and IT shows
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
me: bye bye miss american pie
miss american pie: “bye-bye”? what are you, four years old?
me: this is why i’m leaving. you’re a mean lady
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me