Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
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Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases
What I say: I’m on a diet. What my mom hears: please cook delicious food and buy chocolate.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I’m sorry I slapped you but you didn’t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
girls in high school: we don’t like you
me: what if i was funny
girls in high school: well that wasn’t really our chief conce-
me: i will become the funniest man in this entire trigonometry class
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
[date]
Her: I’m a chiropractor
Me: *under breath* whoa I thought they were extinct
Shout out to that 18-year-old bottle of hydrogen peroxide in your medicine cabinet.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.