The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
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HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Ghost: GET OUT
Me: Or what?
Ghost: I’ll close a cupboard loudly and tip over a cup. I have all the powers of a three year-old that has access to a ladder
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Saw a goth teenager walking a hyperactive chihuahua and if they can be friends, anyone can.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
My life is a lot like taking a road trip with kids, but it’s just me pestering the universe with:
“Am I there yet?”
“I want snacks”
“WHEN WILL WE GET THERE?!?”
“I have to pee again”
“Hey Hillary what color do you think this dre– never mind” – Bill Clinton scrolling through Twitter last night
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[getting cremated]
Ahh, I’ve finally reached my ideal weight.
When emails tell me to “Act Now!,” I immediately start reciting lines from Shakespeare.
if it smells like bullshit & looks like bullshit, it probably is bullshit. Putting sugar on it doesn’t make it a brownie.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
As a former member of the Leopards Eating People’s Faces party until it became extremist, I can tell you that the Let’s Not Eat Anyone’s Face party will get nowhere unless it elects a candidate who wants leopards to eat *some* people’s faces.
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
Light as a feather, smorg as a board
♫ Hey cow
You’re an all star
You are grain fed
No hay
Hey cow
You are ground down
Graded U.S.
D.A. ♫
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The reason Latin is a dead language is because they kept accidentally summoning demons during regular conversations
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
Love this one 😂🧟
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Remember four years ago when we were all ‘nature is healing’ and then my grandma got mugged by a swan.