Instagram: My life is a party.
Snapchat: My life is a quirky tv show
Facebook: My life turned out great!
Twitter: We’re all going to die.
You Might Also Like
Around a third (42%) of parenting is pretending you understand your child’s homework
Please don’t tag me in photos where I’m not wearing my roller skates, I’m looking for a boyfriend.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[a magic show]
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this…
[1 hour later]
…him: no
me: is this your card?
him: no
me: is this your card?
him (a policeman): my god, how many credit cards did you steal?
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
sliding into dms like
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
[Job Interview]
HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness?
Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath “I can’t forgive people”
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”